Scrolling Sobriety: Part I

The following entries are unfiltered, social-media-deprived musings of a 22-year old who regularly spends about 7.5 hours a day on her phone. Yes, you read that right. 

Just last week, my total screen time was 53 hours (almost a third of the time I spend existing in a week) -nearly 14% of which can be fairly attributed to TikTok. 

Go ahead, call me a crazy person (it’s nothing I’m not already exceedingly aware of myself). I’ve always known my problematic social media consumption was probably rotting my brain, but my phone has supplied me with just enough of that sweet dopamine to justify ignoring that. 

Anyway, here I am, finally deciding not to be Pavlov’s little pup anymore! For the next 7 days, I’ll be unshackling myself from the constant notifications and scrolling, and recording how I feel throughout this detox. 

Here are the rules:

1. No use of TikTok
2. No use of Instagram
3. No use of Twitter
4. No YouTube videos

Illustrated by Chloe Blair McMullen

Going into the challenge, I’m nervous but excited. Getting in control of my scrolling habits has been on my to-do list for years, so I’m glad I’m finally taking action towards it! But part of me is almost worried -- will I be able to hold myself accountable, or will I let myself down? And spending all that time alone with my thoughts, with no content to consume… what will I learn about myself?

Wednesday: Getting in the Habit

Illustrated by Chloe Blair McMullen

7:31 am: I think my brain has actually cemented the neural pathway of turning off my alarm and immediately swiping over to the TikTok app. As soon as my eyes opened this morning, I wanted to escape the dread of the oncoming workday by numbing my mind with quick distraction. It was scarily automatic.

But then I remembered that I couldn’t anymore! Because I’m starting a detox! For my own good! So excited! Woo!

7:50 am: For the first time in forever, I brewed my daily espresso without simultaneously being on my phone. I’d never realized how long it takes for the double shot to pour out (around 43 seconds, by the way – I counted, Mississippi’s and all). I also never realized how fun it can be to watch my mug fill up. Makes me wonder what else I’ve been oblivious to. 

8:15 am: Just sat down at my work laptop and I’ve already messed up. Agh. While waiting for my emails to load, I accidentally opened up Twitter (we are not calling it X) in a separate tab and began scrolling. I didn’t even realize what I was doing until two minutes in… maybe I needed this detox more than I thought.

8:47 am: How has it been only 30 minutes since my last journal entry?? Time moves  s o   s l o w l y  without Instagram… 

11:31 am: I’ve just finished my morning meetings, and noticed how much I rely on my phone to entertain me when I zone out. (In case my employer is reading this, it’s a joke, relax. I never zone out of work meetings...) I think I reached for my phone at least 6 separate times before remembering that I’d deleted all my favorite apps, retracting my hand sadly, batting my eyelashes real slow like they do in the cartoons.

12:46 pm: Today I’m eating my lunch screen-less. Yea I know, L A M E. Normally I’d be watching a new vlog from my favorite creator, but today all I have to entertain me is my food and my thoughts. Where do I even look? At my plate? And what do I do with my hands in between bites?? There’s literally nowhere to place them. I feel prehistoric.

10:55 pm: This is around the time that I’d normally “wind down” to sleep with a couple of hours of solid scrolling in bed until my eyes water and I’m forced to shut off my phone.  I’m a little apprehensive about going to bed without this nightly comfort of social media. I wonder how long I’ll be staring up at my ceiling, counting sheep tonight. 

The first day of my detox was, as expected, all about getting acclimated to my new reality for the week. It was essentially a series of realizations that there are very, very few daily tasks I complete without simultaneously being on my phone.

It’s like the concept of a two-track mind. One part of me (what I guess should be my consciousness) is living in the present, going through the motions of the day, actually doing things. But another part of me is always engaged elsewhere -- thinking about the funny TikTok I’d just watched, or resenting the jealousy I’d felt looking at Instagram pictures of someone on their vacation.

My brain isn’t just preoccupied with content when I’m actually consuming it, but even when I’m not. I’m not sure that I can consider my social media use “mindless” at this point -- is it really mindless when it’s taking up so much real estate in my head that I barely register real life anymore?

Wow, that got existential quickly. All I mean to say is that I’m tired of not being present in my own life. I want to be more grounded.

On the other hand, it really struck me how slowly time passes without the crutch of colorful pixels to get me through my day. The ~real world~ felt calmer and steadier than the fast-paced chaos I was used to seeing on my phone. It’s like I’d freed up all this peace and time in my day that I simply didn’t know how to fill. Without my phone, I was completing tasks in what felt like two hours -- but were really just thirty minutes of focused work. 

As for my screen-less meals -- I noticed how much slower I was eating without my phone to distract me! Interestingly, I also found myself snacking less throughout the day, and feeling fuller with a smaller amount of food. 

So far, so good! 

Thursday: This… Isn’t So Bad?

Illustrated by Chloe Blair McMullen

6:33 am: Like clockwork, my alarm rang and my thumb began to swipe autonomously to TikTok. Luckily, I caught myself and instead put on my current favorite podcast (“A Slight Change of Plans” by Dr. Maya Shankar) to fill the silence of the morning. God forbid it stays silent, am I right?

10:40 am: My coworkers are discussing how, apparently, Rihanna delivered her second baby with A$AP Rocky yesterday. See, this is one of those things I would have known thanks to my compulsive (read: highly responsible, engaged citizen of the world) checking of Twitter news, but I was totally out of the loop for once.

3:31 pm: I’ve just finished a check-in with my manager that… didn’t go so well. It turns out that something I’ve been working on for the last few days needs to be revised completely. I feel frustrated and drained, and well, lazy and also kind of anxious. Automatically, as a response to that, there is a clear, powerful craving to reach for my phone for some cute kitten videos. It’s amazing how obvious the craving is – my hands are fully prepared to grab and swipe me to the perfect distraction. I’m so convinced a little video will make me feel so much better. But no… No!

6:45 pm: Now that my phone is a useless brick in my pocket, I’ve been trying to find ways to fill my time productively. I’ve dusted off a book that I’ve been meaning to finish for literally half a year now (Deep Work by Cal Newport, and ironically, it’s all about focused work and productivity). Maybe I’ll finally be able to get through it.

7:02 pm: I’m trying my best to focus while reading, but it’s frustrating how many times I have the urge to tap on my phone screen to check for new notifications -- before remembering that I have none to check. Social media has definitely wrecked my attention span. 

It’s kind of made me embarrassingly needy, in a way. Like, whatever is in front of me needs to be so dramatically interesting to actually deserve my attention.

11:16 pm: Heading to bed after another day without social media. It’s been so refreshing -- not just mentally, but physically. I haven’t had my usual screen-induced migraine today, and I almost feel… lighter?

I’ve been realizing how much comfort I find in social media use. I’ve treated these apps as an easy, cheap way to procrastinate and escape any undesirable situation or feeling, with every new notification only gratifying my cowardice.

But I am feeling hopeful at the prospect of having more time for my hobbies! I was able to finish a whole book today, work out, and even meal prep. I feel like I’ve gotten back precious hours of my day that I used to spend scrolling. What’s more, I no longer deal with the crippling brain fog I’d experience after each period of doom-scrolling. When someone asks me what I accomplished today, what I wore, or even what I ate for lunch, I can answer them with a quickness that I haven’t had in a long time. Scary, yes, but also eye-opening.

Friday: Pics Or It Didn’t Happen

Illustrated by Chloe Blair McMullen

7:40 am: Fine, I will reluctantly admit that what they say is right: being on your phone before bed really does disrupt your sleep. I’ve been able to fall asleep surprisingly easily the last 2 nights, and have been waking up feeling way less tired than I usually do! 

12:22 pm: I’m currently in a department-wide meeting where I shared about my digital detox. I got, no joke, five pings from my teammates immediately. A couple of them also wanted to go on a detox, and asked for tips. The others were messaging me out of concern and/or disbelief that I would actually stick to this detox. I’m not sure whether I should laugh or cry at this reputation I seem to have developed for constantly being on my phone.

1:05 pm: Is it weird that I don’t miss Instagram? I almost feel relieved that I don’t have to spend time scrolling through updates about other people’s lives. The few friends that I do care to keep up with in a more regular capacity, I’ve been keeping in touch with through text. It makes me wonder why we downloaded these apps in the first place, and why we stay bound to them… 

2:30 pm: I keep refreshing Slack and Teams to see if there are any new messages or conversations happening, as these are now my only channels of connection. Every time I realize there are no new messages, no piping hot office goss, I just feel more and more defeated. The whole thing is admittedly hilarious. I’m like a sad little French painting!

7:48 pm: Okay, I may have spoken too soon about not missing Instagram. I’m on my daily walk along Lake Michigan and the sky is just so beautiful. I instinctively took out my phone to snap a picture, but I know I can’t post it anywhere. Like…what’s the point of this beautiful scenery if I can’t share it with anyone? I feel positively prehistoric -- what did people do with their pretty pictures before social media? You’re telling me Michelangelo painted the Creation of Adam and DIDN’T immediately post it to his story with the caption “Casual flex”???

The detox is going strong! I’ve been sitting with my feelings regarding Instagram a lot today. I realized that I often feel an obligation to scroll daily on this app, as if I owe it to those I follow to take an active interest in their lives and validate them with likes and/or comments. Does that interaction actually make me closer to them? Does this parasocial relationship effectively replace a good old-fashioned call to ask about their wellbeing? 

The answers, of course, are no and no. This form of “digital friendship” feels cheap and empty when I really think about it. Most of the people I engage with on social media are “friends” with me only in name -- because of a transactional follow request that took place months or years ago. So why do I feel this compulsion to keep up with them digitally, or even keep them entertained and updated on my own life?

And why was privately enjoying a beautiful sunset on the lake not enough for me? I’m reminded of the classic philosophical question:“If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound”? I don’t want to need affirmation and validation from a virtual audience. I should be able to enjoy life genuinely, purely, satisfied with the knowledge that only I will experience this moment/scenery/feeling. Not everything can be captured with a phone camera and translated to others -- and not everything needs to be!

In Part II, Varenya takes us through her weekend, and the challenge of sticking to her rules while hosting a friend from out of town. 

Opinions expressed are solely the author’s own and do not reflect the views of their employer.